“Am I Gay?” A Therapist’s Guide to Questioning Your Sexuality
So you think you might be gay. Maybe. How can you be sure? You’ve taken all the online quizzes and you’ve turned your brain inside out with thought experiments and you can’t seem to stop thinking about it. Maybe you’ve even spent late nights combing through the Lesbian Masterdoc . Some days, you feel sure that you are not – you’ve always imagined your life with a partner of the opposite sex. But then you find yourself back here, wondering. Some days, you feel like you’re going crazy – you think that if you were really gay, you should “just know.” But at the same time, if you aren’t, why are you thinking about it so much? While these thoughts and questions can feel scary and overwhelming, the good news is, they are TOTALLY NORMAL.
Questioning your sexuality is a normal human experience and it simply means that you are engaging in self-reflection and getting to know yourself better! If you are in the process of questioning your sexuality, it may help to consider the following things:
1. Imagine the best-case scenario IF you were LGBTQ+
Questioning your sexuality can feel SO scary. You have probably been spending a lot of time analyzing every thought and feeling you’ve ever had. You might be hellbent on trying to figure out the “truth” as soon and as fast as possible. You’ve probably spent hours trying to convince yourself of one thing or another. Maybe you have even thought about all the scary things that could come with being gay.
Next time you find yourself down this rabbit hole, try to take a step back from your analysis, and let yourself simply imagine – what if I was? What would be the best outcome if it were true? This time, rather than trying to break down every past sexuality-related experience or immediately jumping to the worst-case scenario, allow yourself to go into a place of imagination. Think of this like a game of make-believe. Notice how it feels to imagine yourself living your *best* life as a gay person. Does it feel fun? Funny? Do you feel relieved? Scared? Remind yourself that doing this exercise isn’t going to change who you are. The idea is to simply move yourself away from analyzing and catastrophizing into a place of imagination and creativity – maybe you will find out something new about yourself, or maybe it’s just a funny game of make-believe in the middle of your day.
2. Engage with Queer media and representation of different identities.
Pop culture is wildly saturated with heterosexuality. No matter where or how you grew up, most of the books, movies and TV shows that you know have probably featured hetero people, couples and relationships. Pop culture has only recently started featuring more Queer stories in the media, and even so, the pickings are slim! When we only see cis, straight people and relationships represented in the world, we often simply assume that we, too, are cisgender and heterosexual. Heterosexuality is treated like “normal” and anything else is the exception. It can feel incredibly confusing to realize that you might not be “normal,” because, after all, you just feel like YOU. Why wouldn’t that be normal? This phenomenon of assuming that you are straight is known as “Compulsive Heterosexuality” (or, CompHet). It is a very real thing that many Queer folks experience off and on throughout their lifetimes!
Furthermore, Queer representation in the media is often based on stereotypes. For Queer folks who don’t necessarily fit with those stereotypes, this can lead to even more confusion! Many Queer folks questioning their sexuality look at the one or two Queer people or characters that they know of and think “well, I’m not like that, so I must not be gay.” In reality, Queerness exists in so many forms! In fact, anyone, with any style or interest or hobby could be Queer – including you! If this is a scary thought, that’s okay. You can take your time figuring this whole thing out. In the meantime, look around for some joyful Queer representation. Find some gay influencers on the internet. Watch some Queer TV. Read some Queer fiction. Best case, you find something that makes you feel seen. Worst case, you grow your understanding of Queer culture and the experiences of others. Either way, you are growing and learning and that’s what this journey is all about. Here are some lists of movies and shows to get you started.
3. Take the pressure off finding the “right label”
Labels can be an overwhelming part of the coming out process. We’ve all heard our questionably homophobic relative quip about the “LGBT-blah blah blah community” or heard snide remarks about how “the list of identities just keeps getting longer.” And, while these comments can be deeply hurtful and invalidating to the beautiful array of identities in our community, the sheer number of “options” really can feel daunting when you’re first coming out. If you are reading this wondering what even ARE the “options,” this article by Ariane Resnick, CNC provides a simple yet helpful breakdown of some of the primary identities in the LGBTQIA+ rainbow, as well as some helpful ideas for how to understand your own attraction and identity.
However, while you are in this early stage of figuring out who you are, I would encourage you to take the pressure off yourself to find the perfect label. Labels are not meant to confine you or put you in a box – they are meant to help you describe yourself and your experience. If none of them feel quite comfy for you in this moment, that’s okay. I encourage my clients to lean into “umbrella” terms like “Queer,” (or even, these days, “Gay,” though this is perhaps more colloquial and less official), which can be used to describe an identity that is simply “not straight.” You can try these on and see how they feel. As you do this, remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation or a justification for trying something out. If it doesn’t feel right, try something else. If it feels right for 2 months and then something else starts feeling good, you can change your mind. Advocacy work often emphasizes that being Queer is not a decision you make. This is an important message for folks who still think that people “decide” to be gay. For those of us who ARE Queer, however, it is important to remember that finding the exact language to describe how you identify IS a choice and often a lifetime process. You are allowed to change the language you use to describe yourself as you grow and the world changes and you learn more about yourself. If you don’t feel ready to lean into experimentation with labels at all, you can set this whole thing aside for now. Let yourself identify as “not totally sure right now.” The labels will continue to be here for you when/if you want to explore those options again. And chances are, there will be more to choose from next time you look ;)
4. Notice what you DO know about yourself
The Questioning process can feel like you are floating around in an abyss of unknown. You might feel like you “should” have this figured out about yourself. You might feel like this is a fundamental part of yourself and that if you don’t know this, how can you know anything? Feeling like you might not know yourself at all is scary. Rather than spiraling about all the things you don’t or might not know about yourself, take some time to focus on the things you DO know about yourself. Start simple. What are some things you like doing? What do you like to wear? What colors are your favorites? As you notice things that you like and know about yourself, notice how that feels. Try to keep your mind open to things that maybe you feel like you “shouldn’t” like. We often have little things that we don’t “allow” ourselves to like for one reason or another, and we often don’t even know that we’re limiting ourselves! Did you stop letting yourself like the color pink when you were 5 because someone told you it was girly? Guess what, you are allowed to like pink! Did you stop letting yourself like a certain kind of music because it wasn’t considered “cool” in high school? Put it on and rock out. Allowing yourself to notice your own preferences and enjoy the things that make you feel good sounds simple, but it can fundamentally ground your understanding of yourself. Doing this might help you recognize what it feels like to like something or someone, but more importantly, it will help you to get in tune with who YOU are and remind you that you know yourself better than you think you do.
5. Seek counseling
Trying to figure out your sexuality all on your own can be extremely overwhelming. Asking yourself these questions can be terrifying and often it feels even scarier to include someone else in the process – particularly someone important in your life. Finding a therapist who can help you process all your questions and feelings safely, without any pressure or judgement can be so helpful. While a therapist won’t be able to tell you “what” you are (and if they try, please be wary!), they CAN help you make sense of your many thoughts, hold space for your feelings, answer some of your questions and support you through this period of change. They may even be able to help you find resources and community in your area to support your process beyond your sessions together. If you live in North Carolina, I may be a good fit for you. I help clients who are going through the questioning and coming out process find and love their truest selves. I see clients virtually and in-person in my office in Davidson, North Carolina. Click below to sign up for a free 20 minute phone consultation!
In summary, if you are questioning your sexuality feel unsure of how to move forward, consider trying the following things:
1. Imagine the best-case scenario if you were LGBTQIA+
2. Engage with Queer media and representation of different identities
3. Take the pressure off yourself to find the right label
4. Focus on things that you DO know about yourself
5. Seek counseling to help support you through the questioning process
