What in the LGBTQIA+? Questions you might be asking if you are in the process of coming out
Do I have to tell anyone/everyone?
If you are in the process of figuring out your gender and/or sexuality, you are probably thinking about what you are going to tell people. You might be wondering if you have to tell everyone or if you’re ready to tell anyone. Deciding when, how and who to come out to can be scary and difficult. You might feel like it is “wrong” to “keep a secret” from your close friends and family, or even like youre lying to them. At the same time, you probably feel very nervous about telling people. This is all totally normal. Coming out can feel absolutely terrifying and the sad reality is, not everyone reacts well when you tell them. The good news is, you don’t HAVE to tell anyone right away. Keeping this information to yourself until you feel really ready to share it is not dishonest and you are not “keeping a secret” if you choose not to share this with certain people in your life right away. There might be people in your life that you choose never to come out to and that’s OKAY. You don’t owe anyone this information or an explanation of who you are. You may find that coming out to a stranger sometimes feels easier than coming out to your own mom. It might feel funny or even backwards, but you can come out to your local barista and never come out to your grandma. Choosing the people to whom you disclose this information doesn’t make you any less Queer or Open or Proud. The most important thing is your safety and comfort and you know best what you need.
Who should I tell first?
If you are in the early stages of coming out, you are likely wondering who you should tell first. This often feels scary and awkward and totally vulnerable, no matter how close and trusted the person you’re coming out to is. If you are able to choose someone you really trust AND who has shown themselves to be LGBTQ+ affirming (or at least accepting), this can be very helpful. If you know someone who is out themselves, they will likely be a great person to share this with. Most people in the LGBTQ+ community will welcome and celebrate someone coming out to them and may even have some words of wisdom to share with you. If you are planning on coming out to your family, it can be helpful to come out to a trusted individual who knows your family. This way, they might be able to help you gauge how your family will take this news, help you make a plan to come out to your family, or even be there for support when you do. Coming out first to an affirming individual sets you up to have more support as you come out to the potentially less affirming people in your life.
What/who am I?
If you are in the early stages of coming out, you might still be figuring out the exact details of your identity. This is totally normal and okay! Just because you’re not quite sure whether you’re L, G, B, T, Q or “plus,” doesnt mean you can’t come out. If you are feeling ready to tell folks that you’re part of the Queer community, you can go ahead and shout it out! You might choose to use a broader term like “Queer” for a while or you might find that you like that term and stick with it long-term. Maybe you try out a specific label for a while and then decide it doesn’t feel quite right and switch to another. Many LGBTQ+ people try out different labels and feel comfortable with different terms at various points in their lives. If you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to pick the perfect label for the rest of your life, try to give yourself permission to try something now and change your mind later. If you are still figuring things out and looking for more resources, check out my guide to questioning your sexulity.
How did I NOT KNOW?
If you’re just coming out for the first time, you might be asking yourself “how did I not know before?!!” You might feel like this is a totally obvious fact now. You might even feel silly for having taken this long to have figured it out. This is a normal feeling that many LGBTQ+ people experience. Coming out to yourself is not easy and many of us grow up assuming that we’re straight and cis. This assumption can be so strong that we may not even consider that anything else is an option, so we just go along with it and act out cis/straightness. This ability to trick our brains into believing that we are straight and cis is known as compulsory heterosexuality and compulsory cisgenderism. This is something that many LGBTQ+ people experience and is one of the many factors that can make “knowing yourself” extra difficult. It is completely normal for coming out to yourself to take a lot of time and self-reflection. Everyone comes out on their own timeline and there is nothing wrong with taking some time- even many years- to fully understand yourself in this way.
Will everything be different now?
If you are at the beginning of your coming out process, you may be wondering what this will mean for your life and relationships. Is everything about to change? Are friends and family going to treat you differently now? Even if they say the “right” thing, what if they get weird about it? Are strangers going to treat you differently? What is it going to be like to walk through the world as an “out” Queer person? These are questions that most LGBTQ+ people have asked at some point. Coming out is a big step and some people have unexpected and emotional reactions to hearing this news. As you embark on this new chapter of your life, remember that your loved ones’ reactions to your identity often have more to do with their own history, biases and preconceived notions about LGBTQ+ people than they do with YOU. While fielding any type of negative reaction from a loved one can feel extremely hurtful, remind yourself that you are still you and that, hopefully, with time, they will see this, too. While this moment may feel painfully isolating, know that you will not always feel this way and you are not alone. As you work through any difficulties with friends and family, seek out supportive and affirming relationships, as well. Connect with your local LGBTQ+ community, engage with affirming, joyful Queer media representation and seek Queer-affirming counseling. If you live in North Carolina, I may be a great fit for you. I see clients in-person in Davidson and virtually throughout the state. Sign up today to receive a free 20 minute phone consultation!
