Excuse me, what? A Guide to Queer Microaggressive Questions for the Recently-Out
So you’ve finally done it. You came out. Maybe not to everyone you’ve ever met, but in some contexts. Whether it’s just to family, just to friends, or even just to a few strangers, you have begun the life-long rollercoaster of identifying yourself as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. And in doing so, you’ve noticed something. People have some weird questions!
This is a phenomenon faced by most Queer people at some point or another and not only Queer folks, but anyone of any kind of “diverse” identity. These “strange” comments (that often feel quite uncomfortable or offensive) are called microaggressions. Whether you have faced microaggressions before based on race, ethnicity, class, religion, ability, or another aspect of your identity, Queer Microaggressions come with their own set of strange, uncomfortable and invasive connotations. While nothing can quite prepare you for every weird question or comment you might get, this article can help give you an idea of some of the common invasive and microaggressive questions that Queer folks often run into and give you some ideas for how to respond in the moment.
What are Microaggressions?
Microaggressions are comments or actions that disenfranchise a person based on their identity. They can be quite subtle and can often go unnoticed by bystanders, if they are not attuned to the meaning or subtext of the situation. The subtlety of a microaggression, however, does not lessen the negative emotional and psychological impact. Sometimes, a very subtle microaggression can feel even more isolating and leave the person on the receiving end asking themselves “did they mean what I think they meant?” or “am I being too sensitive?” Oftentimes, microaggressions are unintentional and come from a lack of understanding or even genuine curiosity. This does not make them feel any better, but it can help us to understand that they are not really about us personally.
What are Microaggressions NOT?
It is important that we differentiate between a Microaggression and more threatening or aggressive behaviors, before getting into examples and ways of responding. Microaggressions are not physically threatening to one’s safety. While frequent microaggressions can contribute to a general feeling of lack of safety in a given environment, they are not in themselves actively threatening. This is important to differentiate because it changes the way we might respond. If you are in a situation where you feel that your safety and wellbeing is being immediately threatened, you are likely facing a higher and more intentional form of aggression and should take different measures to prioritize your safety. This is not to downplay the harm and sense of unease and even threat that microaggressions can cause. Microaggressions can make you feel very uncomfortable and may even indicate to you that an environment is generally unsafe and/or that the people around you may not have your back in the event of a more aggressive situation. However, overtly homophobic (or otherwise discriminatory) behaviors are typically more acutely serious than microaggressions and therefore call for a different type of response.
Microaggressions in the form of Questions
Microaggressions can show up in a number of ways for people with all different identities. Here, I will break down some of the most frequently asked microaggressive questions that Queer folks encounter on a regular basis.
People have SO MANY QUESTIONS about being a Queer person! I know we’ve all heard the old adage “there are no dumb questions,” but let’s face it - when your waiter demands to know HOW you are going to have kids in a lesbian relationship - you might start to wonder how true that can possibly be.
Questions are a tricky, yet frequently occurring type of microaggression because there can be a fine line between genuine curiosity and invasive ignorance. This line can feel more or less blurry, depending on who is asking the question, how they ask it, and in what context they are asking. For instance, if a close friend or family member asks you a somewhat personal question about your identity or relationship, you might feel okay about answering them honestly and helping them understand more about you. You might feel a little uncomfortable with the question and you might gently let them know that, in future, there is a less invasive way for them to learn the same information. Or maybe it doesn’t bother you at all, and you are happy to share with your loved one. However, if a stranger or a colleague or employer asked you the same personal question, you would likely feel very uncomfortable. In this way, microaggressions are often context-dependent.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Below are some of the potentially invasive questions that are often asked of Queer people, along with some possible responses.
“When/how did you know?”
This question is not inherently bad, if you are having a real heart-to-heart with a loved one. However, it is not an appropriate question for just anyone to ask at any time! Your coming out story is deeply personal and you do not owe an explanation to anyone at all. If you feel uncomfortable with this question and prefer not to share at all, you can simply say “I’m not comfortable answering that question.” If you would like to offer a little bit of information but you don’t want to get into it, you can say something vague, such as “Sometime around highschool…”, or “it took some time, but I figured it out!”
“Who’s the man/woman?” [in the relationship]
Unfortunately, this question is still being asked and it really just goes to show that some people simply do not get it! Although this question is weird and uncomfortable, the answer can be pretty simple: “neither!” Or, if you want to really make the person think, you could try: “both!”
“Are you a boy or a girl?” or even “what [gender] are you?”
This question is not only invasive, it also assumes a binary view of gender! Your response to this question will depend on how you identify. If you DO identify as a “boy" (slash man, slash masc person, etc.) or a “girl” (slash woman slash femme person, etc.) and you don’t want to get into the nuances of this question, you can simply answer with one of those and move on. If you DON’T identify generally with either of these labels, you can answer by saying “neither,” “both,” “I identify as ____,” or even “great question!” (if you’re feeling a little spicy). If you prefer not to answer or want to call attention to the inappropriateness of the question, you can respond with “I don’t feel comfortable answering that question,” or “wow, what a personal question!”
“How does it work?” (aka how do you have sex)
First of all, whoa. This one shocks me every time. I guess if you are having a very intimate conversation with a very close friend and discussing everyone’s sex lives, you might want to get into it? But barring a truly trusting relationship and ~vulnerable~ conversation, this is almost always an inappropriate thing to ask! You have several options for how to respond, but unless you feel VERY comfortable with the person you are talking to, I would encourage you to avoid actually answering the question. This is not because sex and/or Queer sex is in any way shameful or bad! In most cases, we want to normalize Queer sex as much as we can. However, when someone puts you on the spot like this about YOUR sex life, this can be considered sexual harassment (particularly in any kind of professional context) and we do not want to normalize this kind of inappropriate behavior! Additionally, your safety always needs to be top priority. Questions that are this personal can often lead to even more inappropriate questions or unwanted sexual advances and it is typically easiest to shut this down early in the process. A few ways to avoid answering this question include: “Whoa, way too personal!” or “I’ll let you look that one up for yourself.” If you are feeling more serious and want to call the person out on their behavior, you can say: “that’s a very inappropriate question for you to ask me.”
“How will you have kids?”
Since marrying my wife in 2023, I have been shocked by how many people feel comfortable asking this question. It makes sense that people would be curious. But it also feels incredibly personal. After a few times fumbling for words while trying to be both vague and honest in answering this question, my wife and I started answering by saying something like “well we have two wombs, so we’ll figure it out,” or “probably the regular way!” Sometimes, we ask the question back to them - “what about you?” - this is a great way to bring attention to the personal nature of the question and it can be quite funny to watch a someone struggle to answer their own question.
“Have you had/are you getting ‘the surgery?’”
For trans and gender diverse individuals, this question comes up all too often. For some reason, this seems to be the first thing many people think about when they encounter a trans person. Let’s make two things clear before getting into it - your transness is not defined by the medical procedures that you do or do not choose to have! And - equally as important - whatever you choose is not anyone else’s business! This is SUCH a private question for so many reasons and can feel very uncomfortable to try to answer on the spot. As with any of these questions, it is up to you how much you decide to answer this question. If, for instance, another gender-diverse individual is asking, you may feel inclined to share more information with them about your experience, as they might be in the process of making these decisions for themselves. If, however, you do not feel comfortable with this question (this is probably true in most cases!), you can answer by avoiding the question or with a more direct “that is not an appropriate question,” or “I prefer not to answer.” If you prefer to skirt the question without feeling “confrontational,” you could say something vague like “I’ve thought/I’m thinking about it,” “it’s a big decision,” or “maybe.”
Many, many more
There are SO many bizarre questions that people ask Queer folks on a daily basis. Whether someone is asking you one of these questions or something else out of left field, you may be able to apply some of the same tips and tricks used here to answer/avoid/respond to whatever questions come your way.
Remember: it is always okay to set boundaries and
YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION OF YOUR QUEERNESS!
